Hi diary. It's been a year since i last wrote. How's life? Is everything okay?
I met a new boy named Denley during 2018 August. Yes, I fell in love with him. And yes, he doesn't. He just like me. We spend nights together but we end up walking separate ways. Sigh.
Had a very hard time to let go of him. He's now in Singapore. Haha. He once said that I will be the only reason that will make him stay in KL. Looks like I'm not now and forever. I'm just tired of how he doesn't respond to my love and doesn't wants to be in a relationship at the moment. He says he needs time to find a stable job. And so I'm asked to wait. I don't feel secure every time. I might lose him. I'm scared. He always ask me why am I afraid of losing him and why not have confidence in myself. I wanted to tell him it's not because I do not have confidence in myself but I know you don't have any feelings for me. I know and I can feel.
He said I've never step into his shoes and think. Well maybe I'm a little bit too rush but am I? I can go through anything with him, yes I can and I'm willing to. However he doesn't want to, not even a chance. He's so selfish that he wants to settle everything on his own. He never thinks that he's not good enough. How can you earn a huge amount of money when you're not putting effort into it.
I hate myself for not being loved by him. I hate seeing myself running to him every time he calls. I hate losing my old me just to attract his attention. I hate being quite and just making sure I'm not stressing him. I hate myself for falling for someone who is not interested in me. I hate myself for being so stupid. And I'm sick of this. I'm tired.
Stupid life. Stupid things. Stupid people.
He keep says that I'm making things look hard to solve. Am i really messing things up? I tried to please him so much. Did everything he ask me to. Am I not good enough? I questioned myself everyday.
Why can't I be loved by someone I loved? Why can't I received the love I'm supposed to? Why can't I keep him right by my side? Why can't I have him? Why am I like this? Why? WHY.